Mary Earps on her darkest time: 'I was in pure survival mode but barely surviving at all'
The decision to cut Mary Earps from the England women's football squad on the eve of lockdown had a profound impact on her mental health. In an interview, she reveals how the sudden change in routine and isolation sparked a downward spiral into self-destruction.
"I felt like I'd been stripped bare," she recalls. "My whole life, my identity was defined by being a top-class footballer. But suddenly, that wasn't available to me anymore."
As lockdown hit, Earps found herself struggling to cope with the lack of structure and purpose. She threw off her usual routine and allowed herself to indulge in everything she had previously resisted. "I stopped answering my phone, watching TV - anything to avoid the loneliness," she admits.
Her newfound freedom was short-lived, however. As the days turned into weeks, Earps realized that she was using excessive drinking as a coping mechanism for her emotions. "It numbed me, made me feel like I wasn't feeling anything," she says, describing a vicious cycle of self-destruction that threatened to consume her.
Her relationship with food also deteriorated. In an effort to counteract the weight gain from inactivity, Earps turned to junk food and then, ironically, began to starve herself. "I was trying to control something I couldn't - my body," she reflects on this period of intense self-criticism.
In those darkest days, Earps lost sight of what truly mattered. She questioned her purpose, her identity, and even whether it was worth living anymore. "I don't believe I ever thought about ending it all, but there were times when the thought crossed my mind," she says candidly.
It wasn't until later that she realized the true nature of her emotional turmoil - a perfect storm of depression and anxiety. Looking back, Earps can see how her reliance on football had become an all-consuming force in her life, leaving her ill-equipped to handle the absence of it when needed most.
Her story is one of stark warning: the isolation and lack of structure that came with lockdown can be perilous for those who struggle with mental health issues. The UK's Samaritans (116 123) and National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the US (1-800-273-8255) are available to offer support if you or someone you know is struggling.
The decision to cut Mary Earps from the England women's football squad on the eve of lockdown had a profound impact on her mental health. In an interview, she reveals how the sudden change in routine and isolation sparked a downward spiral into self-destruction.
"I felt like I'd been stripped bare," she recalls. "My whole life, my identity was defined by being a top-class footballer. But suddenly, that wasn't available to me anymore."
As lockdown hit, Earps found herself struggling to cope with the lack of structure and purpose. She threw off her usual routine and allowed herself to indulge in everything she had previously resisted. "I stopped answering my phone, watching TV - anything to avoid the loneliness," she admits.
Her newfound freedom was short-lived, however. As the days turned into weeks, Earps realized that she was using excessive drinking as a coping mechanism for her emotions. "It numbed me, made me feel like I wasn't feeling anything," she says, describing a vicious cycle of self-destruction that threatened to consume her.
Her relationship with food also deteriorated. In an effort to counteract the weight gain from inactivity, Earps turned to junk food and then, ironically, began to starve herself. "I was trying to control something I couldn't - my body," she reflects on this period of intense self-criticism.
In those darkest days, Earps lost sight of what truly mattered. She questioned her purpose, her identity, and even whether it was worth living anymore. "I don't believe I ever thought about ending it all, but there were times when the thought crossed my mind," she says candidly.
It wasn't until later that she realized the true nature of her emotional turmoil - a perfect storm of depression and anxiety. Looking back, Earps can see how her reliance on football had become an all-consuming force in her life, leaving her ill-equipped to handle the absence of it when needed most.
Her story is one of stark warning: the isolation and lack of structure that came with lockdown can be perilous for those who struggle with mental health issues. The UK's Samaritans (116 123) and National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the US (1-800-273-8255) are available to offer support if you or someone you know is struggling.
this is insane! I mean, I knew football players have pressures but to the point of self-destruction? 
it's like they're put on these pedestals and then when they can't perform anymore, their whole identity falls apart 
how do you cope with that kind of loss? and the fact that she was in 'pure survival mode' but still barely surviving... 
it's like she was drowning and not even knowing it 
1-800-273-8255 or 116 123, can't stress enough how important that is 
Mary Earps' story is so devastating it's like, you can't even look at a football game without thinking about her struggles 
She was literally forced to give up the one thing that defined her and found herself lost in a world of self-destruction 
. I mean, who hasn't had a rough time when they're stuck at home with no routine? But Earps' situation was way more extreme because she'd been so used to being on top of her game 
.
. But for Earps, losing her football identity was like losing a part of herself 
. And if you're struggling, there are always people who care and want to help 
. It's like her entire identity was tied to being a top-class footballer, and when that was suddenly taken away, she felt lost and stripped bare. I think it's really insightful how the lockdown created this perfect storm of depression and anxiety for her - it's not just the isolation, but also the lack of structure and purpose in her life. It's like her coping mechanisms were no longer serving her, and she turned to self-destruction as a way to numb her emotions.
. But, you know what? It's kinda amazing that she's sharing her story now. It's like, she's not letting her struggles define her, but instead, she's using them to help others. That's some super powerful stuff 
.
Mary Earps' story is literally heartbreaking 
It's like, your whole identity is tied up in something and suddenly it's taken away, leaving you feeling lost and alone.
. It's like, we need to find healthier ways to cope with stress and emotions, rather than turning to unhealthy habits or numbing ourselves out 
.
. If you're struggling, please don't hesitate to reach out for support - there are people who care and want to help 
.
. Let's make sure we support each other, especially during tough times 
. I remember feeling like my whole world had collapsed and I couldn't do anything to fill the void 
️. When it was gone, I just felt lost 
.
. It's not until later when you look back that you realize what was going on inside your head 
. Mental health struggles are so common and it's okay to talk about them 
. The helplines mentioned at the end are so important - don't be afraid to reach out if you're struggling 
.